Archive for April, 2010

Top Ten New Features of HTML5

Posted in Digital Innovation, Epiphenomena, Eschatology on April 30th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

Now that Steve Jobs has firmly stated that Flash can be buried because rich internet applications can be written in “javascript” (a new and exciting “scripted” language that little is known about, except for the fact that Lowes.com has a javascript store finder that crashes my iPhone) and HTML5, I think it’s time to look at the top ten amazing new features available to you some time in 2022, when HTML5 may* arrive!

#10 – HTML5 finally solves that annoying rollover behavior that prevents any Web 2.0 application from running on a mobile interface by getting rid of it entirely.  Instead, all mouselike commands will be nested in a <at-steves-whim></whim> tag that will implement shoddy, worthless junk depending on the current mood of populist technocrats.

#9 – HTML5 actually implements full Semantic Web capability, and will implement your very own Semantic Web whenever you’d like, just by giving a #start-semantic-web command.  Please note, however, that this is theoretical, as even the Google techs that got Quake working in HTML5 forgot to try this, so while the Semantic Web is now a distinct possibility, it remains as unlikely as it did when it was impossible.

#8 – HTML5 will actually learn to code for you, so that all those times when you neglected to learn how to code and claimed you were just waiting for a really solid open standard will be forgotten because not only will HTML5 teach you to code and learn it for you, it will purposefully make the apps built by code literate losers who learned how to code (albeit in awful, awful languages) run less efficiently out of spite.

#7 – HTML5 contains <ideological> wrappers that allow arguments to be viewed based on their merits, thus solving thousands of years of senseless conflicts.

#6 – HTML5 also contains <wittgensteinian> wrappers that may or may not restore all of those senseless conflicts, just for kicks.

#5 – HTML5 will always render Joan Jett as a young, rebellious hellion, even if the video is of her appearance on The Ellen Degeneres Show.  In HTML5, Joan Jett punches Ellen right in the eye.

#4 – HTML5, while technically incapable of restoring your childlike optimism, contains <polyanna> tags that allow you to force your own twisted corruption of it upon others.

#3 – HTML5 contains </terminator> tags that can be used to deactivate killer cyborgs as well as allow Monsanto-engineered crops to produce viable seeds.

#2 – HTML5 also contains <terminator> tags (necessary for compliance) that should only be used by very responsible individuals.

#1 – In HTML5, Soviet Russia finally gets to tag you.

*No really, 2022.  Remember, HTML5 is also part of the Semantic Web Zombiepocalypse, so even though its arrival will fix everything, you have to weigh that value against the distinct possibility that, like the Zombie Web, it may never actually get here.

MacBook Pro Cancels Benchmark: Interrupted by Flaming Hot Magma

Posted in Digital Innovation, Eschatology, Games on April 27th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

The folks at PCAuthority discovered something we already knew:  Dwarf Fortress is for serious performance testing.  Apparently, they used the WorldGen feature of everyone’s favorite roguelike fantasy world simulator to turn the i7 MacBook Pro into a really attractive griddle.

This iPhone 4G menaces with spikes of lawsuit.

Cellar door, oleomargarine; oleomargarine, cellar door

Posted in Art, Buckeye on April 27th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

A headfoot I noticed:

Cephalopod

I think he has too many eyes, don't you?

Commons-Based Peer Collaborative Pixel Pushing

Posted in Art, Digital Innovation, Eschatology on April 21st, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

Playpen allows you to draw some extremely pixelated Harkonnens, but it does have Dwarf Fortress.  Don’t try to rescue the beard mite, though, it’s a lost cause.

Apple thinks COBOL is evil, “GOTO 10″ Bullshit

Posted in Digital Innovation, Eschatology on April 14th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

There’s a great post on the entire Adobe-Apple debacle over at /dev/why!?! that not only explains the technical issues at play with Apple’s closing off of the iWhatever to outside SDKs but also points out that this “makes it a license violation to include a language interpreter inside a game.”  (Interestingly, enough, this apparently already violates the current SDK)

I don’t know contract law (thank God) but wouldn’t you think that inconsistent enforcement of a legal contract would somehow damage its value?

There’s a reason why he won the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Posted in Digital Innovation on April 12th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

Very frankly, I am opposed to people being programmed by others.

Mr. Rogers

Kill It With Magma

Posted in Art, Digital Innovation, Games on April 8th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

There’s a great interview with Tarn Adams up on Negative Gamer.  Tarn and his brother are creating Dwarf Fortress, as inexplicable as it is marvelous.  How marvelous and inexplicable and crazy?  Well, if Baudrillard was writing Simulacra and Simulation today, he’d use Dwarf Fortress as his example, not Crash.  Dwarf Fortress makes Crash look like Parcheesi.

This is why we can’t have nice things

Posted in Digital Innovation, Eschatology on April 8th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

The more I code, the more I think coding is for tools.  For tools, by tools, to keep all the power in the hands of the needy pedants that have the time and delusion to keep track of the absolute normative disaster that are programming languages.  For instance, let’s just say you want to have a little border resize to your image in your wee Flex app, that should be easy, right?  Just get the size of the image and change the border to be a bit bigger.  Oh wait…

  1. width is the width of the Image loader control and not the loaded image’s. If this property is not set, it will be adjusted automatically based on the loaded image’s width. The auto adjustment will not occur in the Image control’s complete event. This value will be updated in the last updateComplete event (the one after the complete event).
  2. contentWidth is the width of the loaded image when scaled. The loaded image has not been scaled yet in the Image control’s complete event so you won’t get the correct value, you will get the original width instead of the scaled value. You have to wait for the Image control’s updateComplete event after the complete event finishes to get the correct value.
  3. content.width is the width of the loaded image without regard to scaling. This will be immediately available during the Image control’s complete event. Note that content is actually the loaded image.

Right?  And Actionscript is one of the easy languages (reason number two why it’s now cool to hate Flash, along with “Steve told me to.”).

The Transcendent Beauty of Radar Topography

Posted in Art, Epiphenomena on April 5th, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

Some days, when you’re working with spatial analytical software, looking for a way to shoehorn techniques used to study bighorn sheep into studying the historic gravities of power, you forget that you’re dealing with some of the most beautiful imagery to have graced the retina.  There’s something about radar topography and electron microscopy that reveal shapes and patterns both foreign and familiar.  Here’s Canada and the northern United States, round about the Rockies.

North America - 250m Resolution - Albers Equal Area Contiguous

And Sometimes the Internet Scares the Hell Out of You

Posted in Eschatology on April 2nd, 2010 by Elijah Meeks – Comments Off

Guess What 14-legged Monster Just Got a Taste for Humans - Be Afraid

Apparently, the ocean is sick of being abused and it’s sending up armored hellbeasts to devour us.

See Isopocalypse 2010 for more.  In all seriousness, the guy there is the closest thing you can get to an Isopod expert, and gives a great expose on how breathless reporting of strange creatures can go from divorced-from-reality to full-blown-crazy-talk in no time flat.